Saturday, October 6, 2007

What goes up, must come down

I realized the other day that what I've been feeling for the last 10+ (!) months is the opposite of the adrenaline high. When you're running on adrenaline, you feel that rush, that energy, that sense of power and efficiency and purpose, getting things done...important things. It is a high, and it is addictive.

And as they said on Grey's Anatomy (sorry) the other night, every addiction eventually comes full circle. Every "high" has a corresponding "low." It catches up with us.

The low for me was weakness, no energy, exhaustion, powerlessness and being overwhelmed by small exertions and stresses. The low of cutting back on everything that gives me joy. The surrender of ever saving the world or doing anything "important" again.

But in the quietness, and loneliness, I have rediscovered...me. Me minus the high. And perhaps it is enough.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Promise of power

Our fam was at my brother’s church in Chattanooga on Sunday morning, visiting him at school, and this funny guy preached on Isaiah 40. I should have done a Bible study long ago on weariness and strength...well, if I had the energy. : } I’ve camped on Matt 11 “Come unto Me, all who are weary...” a little bit. But these well-known verses in Isaiah 40 struck me, and soon I was a puddle in the pew. Let them encourage you this morning, any fellow Addy comrades! And btw the whole chapter is applicable and...comforting.

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, does not faint or grow weary; there is no searching of His understanding.

“He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength [causing it to multiply and making it to abound].

“Even youths shall faint and be weary, and [selected] young men shall feebly stumble and fall exhausted;

“But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.” Isaiah 40:28-31, Amplified

That’s us! Faint, weary, feeble, no might. What could be more applicable? He has PROMISED to give us power and increase our strength, and to make us fly like eagles!? I don’t know what this means, but I’m waiting and hoping and expecting for Him to show me, and work it in me.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Warning Signs

Tim Keller says, "if you put your job above your health, you'll lose both." I can attest to the truth of that statement, with an ironic chuckle. I had to learn it through experience unfortunately, but maybe you won't.

I was just telling my boyfriend last night that I took health for granted my whole life, because it was always there. A given. I remember an 80-year-old lady telling me and my sister, "Take care of your health, because if you don't have your health, you don't have anything," and we laughed at her. Of course an old lady would say that.

Even now, with exhaustion, weakness, depletion as a daily, hourly companion, I am still learning to think biblically about health, my body, rest, work, limits, priorities, stewardship, etc.

One way I can redeem this season of weakness and struggle, in my mind, is by helping others avoid the traps I fell into. If I had known the warning signs, and how dire the consequences for ignoring them, surely I would not be spending all this time, money, and mental energy trying to get well, making up for the things that should have been a part of my daily life.

Here are some warning signs I wish I'd heeded years ago.

• If you feel exhausted after the work week or after a trip, stay home. You're still cool even if you don't go to the party. And your friends will get over it. It's not worth getting sick over.

• If you get sick every time you go on vacation or get some time off, or just feel exhausted when you finally "stop," then your body is trying desperately to tell you something. Listen to it.

• Don't cram every hour of every day with work and social events. Leave lots of "white space" for rest, reflection, and hearing the Still Small Voice. Sitting in traffic does not count. Sitting on the balcony might.

• Listen to YOUR body. Everybody's different. Some people can go go go and it never affects them (I guess). Others need lots of down time. But I think we can safely say that the Sabbath principle applies to everybody. Seek God for how it applies to you.

• more, as I think of them...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Little by Little

I'm finding myself calling friends on the phone again! Just because...I want to. And I feel like it. And I have the energy to pick up the phone, even while doing other things like...walking!

I'm finding myself turning on the radio in the car again! Just because...I want to. And I feel like it. And I have the energy to sing along, even while doing other things like...turning the steering wheel!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

An energizer bunny day at long last

So on Friday I was going non-stop all day long--working, shopping, walking long distances with the spoils of my shopping spree, walking the dog I was sitting, more erranding, and picnic/bbq-ing--and needed only a 2 minute sprawl on the bed to get me through. This is monumental!

It was a poignant moment walking into the Gap outlet that day, grabbing 15 items off the racks, trying them on. Last time I was in there was February and I remember laboring up the stairs to the second floor, only to walk right back out again. I didn't have the energy to even look at a single piece of clothing and decide what I thought about it, let alone lug it into the dressing room and try it on. I never realized how much energy it takes just to shop. Oh the things I took for granted.

So this is why when Jesus healed people, they went jumping and leaping and praising God.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Novelty of Normal

I am feeling SO much better this week. I feel better exponentially week by week. It's the most miraculous process: how the body heals itself, with a little help.

I feel like a whole person again. Full and not empty. Able to walk down the metro platform in the morning, with everything I need inside to take the next step and not even think about it. Remembering how depleted I felt just a few weeks ago and wondering how I got through.

I'd forgotten what it felt like to feel normal.

I can actually be nice to people without effort.

I don't have to sit down and take a breather after the monumental stress of un-jamming the copier.

I don't have to go upstairs and lie down on the floor and practice relaxation techniques after getting the runaround with the US Park Service on the phone, just trying to reserve camp sites for the church peeps.

I can ride the metro without knocking people over for a seat. Or having to play mind games to not get murderously mad at the driver for trying to throw us to the floor.

I can make it between meals here and there without having to stuff my face with whatever nuts or healthy crackers I can find in my desk.

And I don't think about me so much. Maybe that's the best part. To be freed from self-consumption and incessant introspection. I do enough of that without Addy's help.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Simple Pleasures

I'd gotten so caught up in bigger and better highs, or just being busy, that I forgot how pleasurable is the everyday. Addy brought me back.

Have you ever felt that certain elation of taking good care of and nurturing yourself, like when you're washing your face or getting out of the shower or eating sprouts?

Have you ever been walking along the sidewalk back to your apartment building, hating the thought of going inside on such a fine April evening, and been surprised by a rose bush in full bloom...at the corner gas station? And of course you had to take the biggest one in your hand and hold it up to your nose, and try to capture the euphoria of a single whiff and make it last longer than a second, long enough to keep you happy for the next half hour.

Have you ever peeled a mango, while sitting in a Big Pink Chair with the balcony door open in the springtime, and felt yourself ascend the levels of heaven with each crude bright-orangey-yellow slice you stuck in your mouth? Only to run into the kitchen seconds later when too much juice ran down your arm and threatened to stain The Pink Chair.

Have you ever walked the same four blocks from the Metro down 7th Street that you walk every day, and caught sight of the intersection of Indiana and 7th--the blend of people and cars and concrete and marble and green leaves and Pennsylvania Avenue and Starbucks cups and clear morning air and the Mall in the distance--and just thanked God to be alive and work where you work and live where you live?

Have you ever (and this is my biggest thrill these days) sat at your favorite restaurant (Teaism!) for the tenth day in a row (minus the weekend), surrounded by lunchtime buzz, and savored another spoonful of salmon ochazuke with a brave morsel of wasabe, chewing and leaning back against the wall, fleeing for your life with Darby Shaw or laughing out loud (unashamedly, for you are free!) at Jake Brigance's sarcastic quips, as you turn the page of your fifth John Grisham novel in three months?

Have you ever sat on the balcony of your apartment and just sat there? No book. No magazine. No laptop. Just you and the lounge chair and the silver railing and the green leafy great beyond.

Have you ever talked to the UPS man and had it be a highlight of your day? You had a real conversation with him, and it mattered, and you can remember what you talked about because your mind isn't cluttered with a thousand other conversations of the day.

Have you ever gotten a pedicure and felt like a queen? (Never fails!)

Have you ever let someone off the Metro before you or said good morning to the homeless man with the Southern accent who calls you darlin or smiled at the busboy, and felt the joy of treating people like people and not objects (for once)?

Have you ever heard the whisper of God when you're walking slowly down the street and felt that you wouldn't have if you were running?

Maybe life is more about depth than we think. Going deeper, feeling more pleasure with the things we already have rather than always looking for something new. Maybe that's what contentment means. Maybe that's the abundant life...the ability to see and enjoy to the fullest God's gifts all around us.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Cut 'er off at the Pass

If you "or someone you know is suffering from these symptoms...." Am I starting to sound like a public service announcement? Well, so be it.

I wish I'd caught Addy earlier in her treacherous downward spiral. But thank God I caught her when I did. For some of my friends it took years to recover their health, or they are still working on it. After not catching their adrenal fatigue until they couldn't get out of bed or open their eyelids or were prescribed bed rest for six months.

If you have several of the symptoms or want to learn more, I recommend reading the excellent books out there on the subject. They helped me more than anything:

Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome by Dr. James L. Wilson is hands down the best resource on the subject that I have found. He seems to be the foremost doctor on adrenal fatigue and even formulated the herbal supplement my doctor prescribed. The book goes into detail on symptoms, how the body works, and exactly how to recover (what lifestyle changes to make, what to eat/drink and what not to, how much rest to get and when, etc.). His website is www.adrenalfatigue.org.

The Hidden Link Between Adrenaline and Stress by Dr. Archibald Hart is written from a Christian perspective and is very helpful in tracing contributing factors, learning to slow down, and seeing type A personality and our fast-paced culture from a new perspective.

Tired of Being Tired by Jesse Hanley gives lots of testimonials of people who "hit the wall" (as do the other books) and 10 lifestyle changes to get your energy back and live a healthy life. She goes into detail about nutrition. Have you found it helpful, Case? Hehe, shoutout.

Are Your Hormones Making You Sick? by Dr. Eldred Taylor (my doctor!) goes into great detail about how all the hormones of the body work and the delicate balance the body must maintain or else weird symptoms begin to emerge. He goes into great detail about estrogen and progesterone balance, as well as cortisol and thyroid. It's a good resource for women I think. (And now I feel embarassed for talking about estrogen...)

So #1, read these books, or at least the first one. If you feel as crappy as I did, you will devour whatever information you can find on the subject.

#2, get as much sleep and rest as you possibly can. 10-12 hours per night, no joke. Go to bed before 10 PM (before you get your second wind) and sleep as late as you can (7-9:00 AM offers the most restorative sleep for Addy sufferers...that's why I'm always late for work, Glenn...sorry).

#3, cut back on everything you possibly can: work, social life, activities, even exercise (don't push yourself). Be sensitive to your body and don't extend yourself beyond your limits if at all possible. If a panhandler is asking you for money and you feel stressed and suffocated, walk away. If you're at a crowded party and you can't hear yourself talk and nobody else can and it's driving you crazy, leave. If you don't feel like going out, stay home and watch a movie. This will be the hardest thing you've ever done, because the very things you love--being active and driven and conscientious and social--have put you in this state of fatigue. Your friends may not understand (mine have been great), and you may not be able to explain it to them. But you have to do this to get better, to be your true self again someday.

#4, cut out all sweets, caffeine, and alcohol from your diet. And avoid as much refined sugar, white flour, and processed food as you can. This is not as hard as you think if you feel like you have the flu all the time. These things are only dragging your body down and will greatly prolong the recovery process. Plus, if you don't have a life anymore, like me, it's not so hard to avoid them. And you can have fun with creative alternatives like Postum (coffee drink with no caffeine), green tea, treating yourself at your fav healthy restaurant every day for lunch even though it's expensive (that would be Teaism! and salmon ochazuke!), popcorn from your roomie's nifty hot air popper, brightly colored fruits (which aid in recovery) when you crave sweets, and dessert alternatives like yummy homemade yogurt parfaits. It's not so bad, nor is it forever. And if you fudge, you pay (as I did for 2.5 days last weekend).

#5, call my doctor in Atlanta and make a phone appointment. He's an alternative doctor, so insurance probably won't cover it. He's $250/hour on the phone, but if you've done your homework, you can just say these are my symptoms, I think I have adrenal fatigue, send me the saliva test...like I did, and save yourself some money. The saliva test (spit test my friends called it) is another $200 but totally worth the clear direction and peace of mind at nailing down a diagnosis. Sounds gross, and it is. You spit into one of four vials every 6 hours during the course of one full day (yes, vile). It's hard to work up that much spit. But...it could be a LOT worse. Then you stick the box in the mail, that simple. Adrenal fatigue does not show up on blood tests except in the most extreme cases (where your adrenal glands have completely shut down). A saliva test is the most effective way to measure cortisol, and taking it several times during the course of a typical day is also helpful in seeing trends. My cortisol level was way below the normal range in the morning and early afternoon, then rose in late afternoon and evening into the normal range. That is exactly on point with adrenal fatigue, and corresponded to how I felt during the day (unable to get out of bed in the morning, crash in mid-morning, crash in mid-afternoon, and then feeling better around 5:00...at the end of the work day, how convenient).

So Dr. Taylor's number is 678.443.4000, and he and his staff are super friendly and helpful. Of course they are, they're in Atlanta.

Also, please don't hesitate to contact me with questions or fears or whatever. janelDOTreidATgmailDOTcom

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Energy-suckers

Through my research and intuition, I've been able to pinpoint many of the contributing factors leading to Addy's takeover. Acute or prolonged stress is what brings it on, and stress is a part of life. But some stress can be avoided, and other stress we pile on ourselves for various reasons. I don't want to fall into the trap of self-condemnation. But it's been helpful to recognize some of my tendencies and issues that waste my energy:

Perfectionism: I can't rest until everything is checked off my to-do list; I have to hold it all together; being caught up in image; not being able to let go

Performance: my worth is based on what I do or produce for other people or organizations

Playing God: feeling responsible for people or events beyond what God meant for me to bear; being the safety net every time, the savior

People-pleasing: constantly trying to figure out what other people want from me and being that; inability to say no

Self-sufficiency: not accepting help when I need it, doing everything myself

Guilt: I am never doing enough

"Hurry sickness": rushing around because I've over-packed my day (since I'm never doing enough); always being late or in a hurry; feeling like the world will collapse if I don't get there, now

Not recognizing/embracing my limitations as a gift from God: wanting to do everything, and actually thinking I can; living at a high-intensity level non-stop; thinking that God wants me to sacrifice my body/health to get stuff done for Him

Not seeing health as a priority/not listening to my body (when it wanted a rest)

Working hard/playing hard without adequate down time and recovery afterward; not ever truly resting, but always being "on"

Trying to be something I'm not; working in the flesh; not believing the Gospel...that I am already justified, that "it is finished"


Whoa, I'm exhausted just reading over those. All of these heart issues are a constant drain on our energy. I have Addy to thank for getting my attention about these life-suckers. I repent, Lord. Do Your life-giving work in me.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Beneath a Sickly Surface

[this was written on March 21 and posted on my other blog, www.snatchlings.blogspot.com]

I have a rare opportunity. To be a voice for the sick. Because suddenly I am one, and I want someone to tell my friends for me...

That it has nothing to do with them when I'm irritable and impatient. It's the sickness talking. Or, all my energy is required just to sit up or walk or keep pecking away at my computer til 5:00 and I can crash on my couch, having made it through another day, and I don't have anything left for being nice. Or, I'm actually irritable and impatient with the monster inside that's sucking the life out of me, but somehow it gets taken out on those around me. Or, my world has shrunk so small to how I'm feeling right now and how to take care of myself, that I can't help but be petty.

That I really do feel bad most of the time. When you have the flu, you can't remember what it feels like to have the strength and joy to run around and play outside. When you get better, you can't remember how you felt when you were sick. To understand me, consider that I have the flu all the time, and try to remember what it felt like. You could barely walk from your bed to the bathroom, and all you wanted was to get better (and your mommy).

That sometimes I want someone to ask how I'm feeling, and sometimes I want to be left alone. And I'm sorry if you tried doing one when I wanted the other.

That I hate it that I can't be myself. I'm just sick enough to have lost my vivacity, but not enough not to be painfully aware of its loss. I know you miss me, and I miss me too, which makes it even harder. It's like an out of body experience when I see a person on the sidelines, for example, and *I* know that I would reach out to that person and include him in the conversation but I simply don't have the strength to do it. It's a constant letting go. A constant prioritizing, where stretching my strength too far now will come back to haunt me later (and everyone else). A constant self-preservation. Constant sacrifice. Constant little deaths. How do I keep from becoming self-consumed?

That "showing up" is a victory for me, and sometimes it's all I can offer. The door to the office, the church, the friends' house is the finish line. On a tough day, anything extra is icing.

That I never know what to say to "how are you?" Do they really want to know how I feel right now? Do I really want to explain it? Will it just be a downer and make me feel worse for being negative? It'll probably be awkward in the end, and force me to put on a happy face to rescue the conversation anyway, so maybe it's easier for everyone if I just keep the happy face on from the start. After all, I am happy, I'm just not "fine."

That despair is always lurking. Around every failure of my body or mind. I'm getting used to depending on other people, something I've never been good at. But only to a point. I've always had little patience with my own limitations, which is what landed me with adrenal fatigue* in the first place. Whereas normal was running at 125 percent, the new normal is 75 percent on a very good day. I've always expected perfection of myself, with a few mistakes allowed here and there, the ones that I can rationalize. Now the quota of mistakes has been bumped much higher as I swallow reality, but it's still a quota and is closely tied to a humble heart which often isn't there. One more mistake, let alone one that affects hundreds of people (our church), and I'm a failure with no hope for recovery. I've let myself fall into that hole a few times, and believe me, it is bottomless. But thankfully, so is grace. And the instant that I fi-na-lly receive a free gift--lunch for my birthday, a bowl of popcorn from my roommate, a parking space from God--I melt. And I'm wisked back up into the sunlight with my feet on solid ground.

That I wish they would take care of themselves and not end up like me.

That I may look fine and healthy on the outside, but inside I feel hollow. Consider me the chocolate Easter bunny. I'm just that weak. There's nothing inside of me to draw from. Whatever makes human's "go" is not getting to the right places in my body. My batteries need to be changed. I'm pushing the gas pedal but there's nothing in the tank, regardless of what the meter says.

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If none of this is resonating and you think I'm blowing everything out of proportion, just know that these are the tormentings of the sick. This is what is going on just below the surface, but there aren't words, there isn't time, there isn't energy. Somehow simply writing this and sending it into cyberspace makes me feel so much better. This is the real burden I carry, the festering germies.

If this is discouraging, I'm sorry. I'll write the benefits of illness in the next blog, don't worry. It just really helps me to get this off my chest, and I trust I speak for other fellow sickies in turmoil.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Signs of Addy's Arrival

These are the symptoms of adrenal fatigue:

• Extreme and continual tiredness, not relieved by sleep
• Weakness, a feeling of depletion
• Inability to get out of bed in the morning
• Wanting to lie down all the time, which helps, but not really
• Low blood sugar
• Light-headedness, feeling faint
• Low immunity, achiness, feeling slightly sick all the time, sore throat
• Being overwhelmed by small tasks or the thought of walking from here to there (because you don't have the strength to do it)
• Increased effort needed to do everyday tasks; decreased ability to handle stress (even small stresses like the copier not working)
• Irritability, impatience, decreased tolerance
• Discouragement, depression
• Increased PMS
• Decreased productivity and motivation
• Memory loss, fuzzy thoughts, confusion
• Losing your balance while standing

There are some others I didn't experience, like craving salt, decreased sex drive, and increased time to recover from illness or injury.

Looking back, I started to realize something was wrong around the beginning of 2006, but I wouldn't admit it even to myself. I was supposed to be strong and keep the whole world running. By spring however I took the gargantuan step of admitting my tiredness in staff meeting and asked for prayer. I found a general practitioner in May and paid her a visit, and she suggested more snacks to conquer fatigue.

It was getting harder and harder to get out of bed as the year progressed. In July I had a party at my apartment, and Holly and I cleaned all day and entertained that night. For some reason I didn't enjoy myself as much as usual and realized it was because I was so tired. Two days later I had to take a sick day and "recover" from the party. This was odd.

I took August slow. But September hit the ground running jobwise, and as we moved into our office in October, I felt myself switch over to running on adrenaline exclusively. Somehow I got an A in my Spanish class, though I was "mucho muy cansada" to every "como estas?" I was happily dating and that kept me going, but when it ended, so did my high. In December I went to the doctor again (and all my blood tests were normal), started talking to friends and asking for help, and sitting on my couch every weekend night unless I forced myself to go out.

The New Year brought a new low of energy and motivation at work, and a new desperation to find answers and a cure. Gosh, it's a blur now. How did I get through that time? I finally told my boss I needed help, and he graciously let me take my sick leave in the form of two weeks part-time. That was a significant season, but by no means a cure.

In February I started taking Reliv, my "magic potion," which is a nutritional supplement shake, and felt better from day one. Oh how I love that stuff! and highly recommend it to everyone well or sick. It's like gold dust to me. You can read more at www.reliv.com or email me for the address of my distributor friend Joy.

In March my Mom found an alternative doctor in Atlanta who'd written a book called "Are Your Hormones Making You Sick?" which explained the delicate balance in our bodies and how one imbalance affects everything else. I got a phone appointment with him, and voila, all my symptoms pointed to adrenal fatigue, as I'd suspected, through reading books and talking to friends. I took a saliva test (spitting into four vials at four different times during the day...yes, vile, but not as bad as it could have been), the best test for hormone levels and adrenal function. My corisol levels (the stress hormone produced by the adrenal glands) were way low for the morning and the afternoon, and the doctor congratulated me for correctly diagnosing myself while I wimpered over my poor body and little depleted adrenals.

Thank God for alternative doctors, and a free country! He sent me some all-natural supplements that would help my body repair itself, "adrenal rebuilder" and a thyroid booster, and said I'd feel much better in a few weeks, and all better in six months (though it's taken some of my friends much longer to recover). After four weeks, I think the "much better" is starting to happen, although last week I was cryingly telling my boss I didn't know if I could recover in DC and was desperate enough to move home to Atlanta if that's what it took. Thankfully I felt much better the next day (maybe God wanted me to step off the cliff of faith) and then spring arrived in DC...the cure for all ills!

Right now I'm taking life one day at a time, rejoicing in the good days, enduring the bad, submitting to Addy's dominance of my life (and God's dominance over all things), and learning...oh...learning so, so much. So much that begs to be written. Thanks for reading. Thanks for being my outlet.

Huffing and Puffing

Around Christmastime last year, our community group did our monthly service project at a women's shelter in DC. Some of us bring food items to the shelter, and others prepare and serve it. All I had to do was bring the sour cream and cheese for fajitas.

I walked from my office in Penn Quarter to the shelter at 14th and N, about a 25 minute walk. I love to walk in DC. It's one of my favorite things to do, and normally I'll walk for blocks and blocks, hours and hours, passing metro stops as I go, to walk instead.

But not lately. By the time I got there, I was winded and starting to feel light-headed. With determination I climbed the four flights of stairs and proceeded to the kitchen. That's when the low blood sugar monster got me and I felt like I was about to pass out. I chugged some diet coke for a quick fix, and realized we didn't have enough drinks.

Every step to the 7/11 three blocks away was a chore, and I finally arrived, breathless. I bought three 2-liters and also some nuts for the energy to walk back. The clerk was taking his sweet time, and I was about to faint. I tried to be courteous even though I could feel the irritability building in my chest and my patience was about to snap. How could I be rude when I was buying drinks for battered women? But didn't this guy realize I was at death's door myself?

I tore into the package of cashews and chomped away. The three-block trip back to the shelter loomed overwhelmingly, but I somehow made it, lugging my two-liters that got more cumbersome with every step. And up the stairs. Four flights of stairs.

Done. I'm outa here. I've got to get home and lie on my couch. I've GOT to lie down, and get something to eat.

I tried to be nice to my friends as I stumbled out the door. But I was near tears and unable to express how I felt. What was wrong with me? Why could I not take a walk without feeling drained? Why by Thursday could I not wait for the weekend...to sleep for two days? Why had I been unable to make it to most of my Christmas parties? Why did I feel so depleted all the time, like the Energizer bunny's competition next to everybody else, next to my old self?

------

My doctor had little guidance. Eat more snacks throughout the day, eat healthier food, and exercise more. If that didn't help, then I could try a sleep study. Maybe I wasn't getting quality sleep and it was affecting everything else. But intuitively I knew that wasn't my problem, and I sure as hell didn't want to be hooked up to machines and have someone sit in a chair and watch me sleep all night long! But I would do whatever it took to get well...I was desperate. So I scheduled the sleep study.

Meanwhile, I remembered that one of my friends, Ragan, who had lived in DC and worked for a Christian minstry had experienced intense fatigue and had taken a two-month sabbatical. I had actually talked to her in January 2006 about this issue and she'd recommended the book "The Hidden Link Between Adrenaline and Stress," which I'd started at the time, but set aside after a few chapters because I thought I'd gotten the message. Oh, how I wish I'd kept reading.

I called her again, and asked how she was doing two years later. She's living in Hawaii and doing hard cardio for an hour a day, and has all the energy she needs and then some. Great, that helps. I couldn't drop everything and move to paradise (though I'm sure that would cure me), so I stepped up my running that weekend to an hour run on Saturday and a half hour on Sunday, but that night I had to excuse myself from a conversation at church and go stretch myself across some chairs in a back room. Not exactly the result I was hoping for.

When talking with Ragan though (thanks for your help, Rag!) I had mentioned the Adrenaline and Stress book and said, "So I should probably finish it, huh?" At her encouragement I picked it back up again, and took a huge step forward toward figuring out my prob.

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Our bodies are truly amazing. They are equipped to respond to stress, danger, and the ups and downs of life in a fallen world. When we have a deadline at work or step on a snake in the woods, adrenaline kicks in automatically to provide the stamina, reflexes, and quick-thinking we need to get the job done or the heck outa there.

However, if you have a deadline or step on snakes every day, eventually the adrenaline is going to run out. We aren't machines, and there's no endless supply of anything in the universe besides God's mercy and toilet paper. I hope. So if I'm starting a church, trying to keep everyone happy, trying to be perfect, get it all done, going from brunch to a baby shower to a shopping spree to two parties, keeping up with my crushes and the dating game, placing unreal expectations on myself, and relying on coffee to get me through the day...I can't do it forever.

I'm one of those people. Call me an over-achiever, but I love to be busy, live life to the fullest, cram as much into a day as I can because time is precious and life is short. I love to hang out with my friends, go from one activity to the next, and get that rush of productivity and achievement at work. I want to experience it all, have adventures, take risks, and surmount my limitations. Including my humanness.