addy & me

Thank God for good doctors (and good mothers who find them)!

2011-03-22T18:45:00.004-04:00

My Mom continues to be one of the greatest forces for good in my life, and this has certainly proved true in the health arena. As I mentioned below, she helped me locate Mary Shomon's doctor in McLean, VA, which isn't toooo far from Columbia. One has to navigate the infamous Washington beltway to get there, but even with the beltway traffic it was worth it to find a good doctor who speaks my language and whom I can trust to restore my energy level and...well-being!

Dr. Adrienne Clamp at Well Being - Being Well has been wonderful. My first appointment was 2 hours long, and much of that was spent with her, explaining my health history in a variety of areas and getting her feedback.

I retook the saliva test, and went to Labcorps to have blood drawn for an array of indicators, including iron, B vitamins, vitamin D, cortisol, thyroid antibodies, etc. As it turns out, my thyroid supplement needs a little tweaking because my T4 is low, and I was low in vitamin D, iron, and selenium. I do have Hashimoto's or thyroid antibodies, meaning my immune system is producing cells that could attack my thyroid, as I understand it. However, my number is relatively low and Dr. Clamp didn't seem worried. Furthermore, it seems that everyone who is hypothyroid has thyroid antibodies. One of my friends has brought her numbers down through a gluten-free diet, but I pray to God I don't have to do that! (I tried it for a week and it's hard!)

Also, my saliva test revealed that my adrenal glands are no longer depressed...they're stressed. [Wry smile] My cortisol levels are slightly elevated, but at least this means my adrenals are back to normal and functioning properly, just overly so. Why am I so stressed I ask myself? Dr. Clamp and I agreed that I'm a busy mom and that's why. "Well I do get uptight about every little thing that happens," I said to my husband that night at dinner. He laughed at this self-revelation.

Dr. Clamp put me on 5,000 IU/day of vitamin D, more selenium, an adaptogen (herbs that help your body deal with stress) mix, and iron with "liver fractions" for absorbability. She also tweaked my thyroid prescription to receive only T3 in compounded form and T4 in synthetic form, I believe. And I only take it once in the morning vs. twice a day, which is so much nicer. Gone is the 3:00 pm alarm on my phone! I was most sluggish in the morning, and the T4 I was formerly taking was slow release, which you really don't need anyway since T4 stays in your system for days. Now I get a T4 "shot in the arm" first thing in the morning and that should help. I just started on it today, so we'll see how the next few weeks go.

I think I'm starting to feel better after four days on the supplements, but time will tell. You can be sure I'll keep you posted!

Some new doc recs

2010-12-04T21:21:00.012-05:00

My Mom has had mysterious, painful, debilitating symptoms that resemble allergies for over 30 years off and on, and might finally have found a doctor who understands, her fourteenth doctor to visit I believe. He thinks my dear persevering Mother's symptoms, based on her round of lab tests, are due primarily to thyroid and adrenal causes. Amazing. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? (Ten points if you can tell me what 80s chickster movie that line comes from. Would adding "Marilla" to the end of it help?)

How did my Mom find this excellent doctor, you ask. Through Mary Shomon who wrote a book she found extremely helpful, Living Well with Hypothyroidism, which you should be able to get at your local library. Mary keeps a running tally of extremely good thyroid- and possibly adrenally-minded doctors listed by state.

As soon as I have weaned my daughter, I hope to visit Mary's own doctor who practices in the McLean, VA, area and see where on the charts my adrenals and thyroid are, and what I can do about it if they're still low. Thank God for these doctors!

The most important meal of the day

2010-11-25T09:18:00.007-05:00

Somewhere in the last nine months I think I've made a discovery. Before our little bambino arrived (would that be bambina since she is a girl?), I would sleep in the morning until my body woke me up, which was always at least 10:00 AM or later. I hated missing so much of the day and not really getting my game on til noon, but I knew I needed the sleep and having no job besides wifing, I could, especially since my wonderful hubs encouraged me to get the rest I needed.

I would have a substantial breakfast of eggs, toast, hot tea, and usually also yogurt/banana/flaxseed meal while pregnant. But I would still hit a slump about an hour after breakfast, even after all that sleep, and it was so frustrating. However, for the last nine months I've been getting up between 7 and 8:00, eating breakfast (same as above minus the yogurt), and going back to bed during the baby's first nap. Granted, I might be in bed during my after-breakfast slump, but I seem to be more energetic overall and wonder if my blood sugar got too low sleeping in so long and the extra sleep backfired.

Just a thought for any others out there with the luxury of sleeping in or blood sugar issues that might require a little bit of night-time noshing perhaps. I always hated getting up to find something to eat in the night when pregnant and an empty stomach prevented sleep, because you get so woken up and you have to brush your teeth afterward (which requires turning on a bright light) and what you ate might give you too much energy when trying to fall back to sleep. But...if it gives you more energy overall, it might be worth it.

Energy for a challenging year

2010-11-24T21:53:00.008-05:00

I have not forgotten your comment, dear "ayarella," at the end of the last blog about how I am doing now. In fact, it has haunted me for months. It seems mommy-brain is getting the best of me these days (how handy to transition from fatigue-fog to mommy-brain as an excuse for anything), and even when I have two seconds to sit at my laptop, the tyranny of the urgent email is all my mind has room for.

I just reread my last post, now almost a year ago (oh dear), and found it encouraging to look back and remember. I had no idea what the coming months would bring. Let me just say that this year has been fraught with physical limitation and weakness (along with the immeasurable joy of the cutest and sweetest baby imaginable!), and I'm pleased to say my mostly-recovered adrenals and God's grace has seen me through so far.

I did in fact have enough energy for 18 hours of labor that started at 1:00 AM and a natural birth...at the hospital down the street...in the biggest snowstorm in Maryland history: the birthing center was too far away and, incidentally, closed. I had enough energy for the newborn night wakings which lasted a little too long since 2:00 AM somehow meant party time to our little stinker. But thankfully she started sleeping through the night at 7 weeks after we got her on a schedule. I had enough energy to endure four months plus of postpartum healing complications that I won't go into here.

At six months our little darling hit a growth spurt that had her waking up at night again, sometimes several times, for the next two months, and I somehow had the energy for that, though I blame getting strep throat in July on my being thus run down. But I was able to recover in less than 3 days without antibiotics, which I attribute to my many natural "remedies." After sleeping through the night for another month and a half, she hit teething/sickness/teething again, which become a weeks-long family sickness saga. I think I am finally over that virus, maybe. Perhaps my adrenals are reaching their limit.

Breastfeeding takes alot out of you, I'm realizing, though what an honor to pour your life into another so literally, and such a darling other at that. But I have had an over-abundance of milk all these months actually, and plan to keep nursing her until she is a year old.

In addition to often-interrupted nighttime sleep, every day I have gone right back to bed during our daughter's first nap. Most of the time I am able to sleep, and this is probably what has gotten me through. It's a little more challenging now that she's down to two naps and her first nap is two hours after waking in the morning, as opposed to an hour and 15 minutes (ie, it's harder to go right back to sleep). But I'm hoping that as she starts sleeping through the night again and thus I do, I won't need that morning nap. If I can go to bed early. Which I'm flagrantly violating at this moment. Uh, good-night!

Addy and pregnancy

2009-12-20T20:05:00.007-05:00

Friends ask from time to time how my health is doing and where I am in my recovery. Others of you may wonder, especially if you have adrenal fatigue and are considering getting pregnant, how recovering-fatigue and pregnancy mix.

I have to admit I thought I would see more significant progress in my energy level during our first year of marriage, since I was not working, was sleeping in, was out of the city with its pollution and fast pace, and was living a peaceful low-stress life. As I have said, Ageless Xtra had significantly accelerated my progress in the fall of 2008, but time hadn't like I'd thought, since I still needed about 10 hours of sleep a night to function well and not get sick.

Just before we got pregnant in May, I was starting to get up around 9:00 instead of 10:00 AM. This seemed like definite progress, and I think it was. Then at about six weeks pregs, I got slammed with nausea and fatigue. Morning-noon-and-night sickness was a special kind of torture and was pretty debilitating, although I never actually threw up. The fatigue would land me back in bed many days after having breakfast (which was after sleeping in til 10:00), and around 2:00 I had enough energy to get some stuff done. Then around 5:00 I would get tired again and sometimes napped.

However, the acclaimed Second Trimester was a whole new story, as my previously-preggy friends promised. Around 12 weeks the nausea and fatigue started to diminish and disappear completely over a couple of weeks. I didn't have the "superhuman energy" that many women get during the second trimester ("more energy than you've ever had in your life!" said one friend), which I confess I was looking forward to, though not banking on. Nevertheless, I had way more energy than in the first trimester and felt "normal" or "new normal," i.e. how I felt before getting pregnant, which is significant because I wasn't taking all the supplements I had been then, simply my prenatal vitamin. I started taking Juice Plus again (I had been off it for about a year) as my only other supplement, and have seen studies and anecdotal evidence of exceptionally healthy babies born to "JP+ moms" and greatly decreased chance of pre-eclampsia after prenatal use.

I am now 32 weeks and pretty far into the third trimester. I do get tired more easily, but nothing dramatic. Brisk walking (and in the now 30- and 40-degree weather, it is brisk) energizes me and banishes much of the fatigue. But I'm also trying to listen to my body, not overdo it, and lie down when necessary. I have also been able to splurge on sweets during my pregnancy without it affecting me too drastically. I was eating so healthy for the two years previous, that even though I'm eating very healthy now, I'm splurging more so I feel like I'm really indulging, which is of course one of the privileges of pregnancy.

So that's where I am now, and according to our midwives and sonograms, both Peanut and I are quite healthy and on track. I'm curious what my energy level will be during labor and what kind of adrenaline reserves I have. From what I've learned so far, much of labor is staying relaxed and letting your body do the work, though stamina is obviously key, and the most energy is needed at the end to push. My doula suggested an energy drink, and I have one of my own I can try (Univera's Essentials), and we are using a birthing center where they let you eat and drink as needed for this "athletic event."

Something I am finding helpful lately is asking God for the strength and energy for this day, every day (or when I remember). A friend challenged me to do this (thanks Wendy!), and though it seems so obvious, I think it's a new thing for me since the days almost three years ago when I was very weak. The Bible is clear that any strength we have comes from the Lord anyway, and I do want to look to Him primarily for this basic need, over vitamins, diet, advice, doctors, or the elusive magic bullet. If every breath is from Him, how much more the energy to accomplish the things He's given me to do today and be the person He's called me to be. And amazingly enough, when I ask, He answers!

(...Like how I just read this verse the morning after I wrote the above!) "When I pray, You answer me; You encourage me by giving me the strength I need." Psalm 138:3 NLT

New life, and brand new life

2009-11-03T22:08:00.005-05:00

So I haven't written in a while (before the last post) and I have a very good excuse: pregnancy. God gave us the gift of conception a month before we had even planned to start trying. This is significant in many ways, but especially from a health angle, as a demonstration of God's healing power.

At the beginning of June, I took my third saliva test in three years to gauge where my adrenal glands were in their recovery. When I got the results back, they showed my adrenals in worse shape than last year, and almost back to where they were when most depleted two years ago! I tried not to panic and stay at peace for the 24 hours before my phone consultation with Dr. Taylor in Atlanta. I assumed it might have something to do with my pregnancy, which we had discovered just after I'd taken the test, but I wasn't sure.

When I finally got to speak to him the next day and we were going over my results, I mentioned that I was pregnant and had been when I took the test. He was so relieved and said, "I didn't know how I was going to break it to you that your hormone levels are post-menopausal!" (uh, or pregnant). We had a good laugh of mutual relief, and he went on to say that my test results were basically awash since I'd been pregnant at the time and pregnancy is the biggest stress you can put on your body.

However, he said that ironically the biggest proof that my adrenals had rebounded and were in good shape was that we had gotten pregnant at all, and so fast. He said if my adrenals were still too weak to handle pregnancy, they would have stopped my body from getting pregnant. So the very thing that skewed the test was the true test.

What proof of God's lovingkindness and redemption that He would give not only new life to me, but a new little life to me and Steve to incarnate His grace!

In a nutshell (er, a big one)

2009-10-04T21:44:00.007-04:00

I was talking to a friend recently who suspects she has adrenal fatigue, and in writing her an email outlining the steps I took to get well, I realized I should probably reiterate it on my blog for anyone else looking for similar advice. Here's my attempt at being concise.

1. Figure out if you could have adrenal fatigue, through perusing the website www.adrenalfatigue.org and/or reading Dr. Wilson’s book Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome. This is the book that helped me the most. It lays out symptoms of adrenal fatigue, why your doctor can’t seem to help you, and exactly what to do, eat, drink, etc. to get well.

2. If most of the symptoms Dr. Wilson talks about match up with yours and everything he says resonates, the next step, as he suggests, is to take a saliva test. This is the best way to measure your cortisol levels throughout the day (my blood tests were completely normal; but my saliva test showed my cortisol levels to be way under the normal range). I recommend my doctor in Atlanta, Dr. Eldred Taylor, who specializes in women’s hormonal issues and wrote the book Are Your Hormones Making You Sick? His office will send you the saliva test in the mail, you take it over the course of a day, send it in to the lab, and three weeks later Dr. Taylor can fax you the results and do a phone consultation (if you don’t live in Atlanta as I didn’t) to interpret the results. His office number is 678.443.4000.

3. No matter whom you go to for your diagnosis, you will end up having to be your own doctor for the most part. By eating healthy, cutting out all sweets/caffeine/alcohol from my diet, exercising to exhilaration but not exhaustion, making lifestyle changes like working part-time and moving out of the city, figuring out that I had low thyroid as well and taking thyroid supplement, and taking excellent nutritional supplements religiously, I have rebuilt my adrenals and feel more “normal” than I have in years. As long as I get plenty of sleep (I still need 10 hours per night), I feel basically normal during the day. This is a LONG way from where I was two and a half years ago. But I had to make my health first priority, be willing to make big changes, spend lots of money on supplements and good food, and be “weak” before my friends.

4. For diet changes, I refer you to Dr. Wilson’s book, which is very thorough. Basically, your diet should be “real” food: whole grains like whole wheat bread and brown rice, unprocessed meat, unprocessed everything!, veggies, fruit later in the day (when I could handle the fruit sugar better because my cortisol was higher), dairy products but milk in moderation because the lactose (milk sugar) would make my head cloudy. For example, for lunch almost every work day I treated myself to salmon and brown rice from my favorite restaurant. For dinner I might make a stir-fry dish on brown rice, with dessert as plain yogurt, toasted almonds, and strawberries. If you’re like me, you can tell immediately when you’ve put something in your mouth that drains rather than supports your energy. Listening to your body is the best way to help it.

5. For supplements, I took a lot of different things at different times (Reliv, JuicePlus, green food, licorice tea at least once a day, vitamins, dessicated liver, whey protein, etc) and it all helped. But to maximize your time and money, here’s what I recommend: I would take Dr. Wilson’s “adrenal rebuilder” and “adrenal C” for longterm repair, Univera’s Ageless Xtra for short-term and longterm energy and repair (use my associate number 1344420 when you order or I'm happy to order it for you), and Univera’s (or somebody’s absorbent) multivitamin for general health.

6. Keep educating yourself on your adrenals, thyroid, hormones, and general health. There are all kinds of good books out there, including the books listed here on my blog, The Metabolic Plan: Stay Younger Longer by Stephen Cherniske, and Jordan Rubin’s “Maker’s Diet” books. This is going to be a long journey back to optimal health: if it took years to get sick, it will probably take years to get better. And once there you're gonna want to take better care of your body than you did before. Hang in there. God has some pretty amazing surprises for you on this journey, if your story is anything like mine!

7. Take the saliva test again six months or a year later and measure the strength of your adrenals. If you are not feeling significantly better, you may have another deficiency like low thyroid that is contributing to the problem. I stumbled on a book about six months after my adrenal fatigue diagnosis that said to treat all your issues simultaneously in order to get better. So that’s when I realized I had low thyroid symptoms, Dr. Taylor confirmed my suspicions based on my previous saliva test, and I started taking natural thyroid supplement from a compounding pharmacy, which as far as I know has greatly contributed to my recovery and overall energy.

That was my attempted nutshell. Hope it's helpful!

New website!

2009-03-11T22:45:00.004-04:00

In seeking to get the word out to other "addy" sufferers about how Univera products helped to dramatically increase my energy level, I just launched this new website: www.adrenal-fatigue-energy.com. I would love any feedback you have on it. Spread the word!

The secret to a longer fuller life

2009-02-15T15:45:00.008-05:00

I am currently reading a fascinating book (now that I'm fascinated with health stuff, finding out how my body works and what makes it work best--so personal and urgent has that subject become, so interwoven with my every day life). It's called The Metabolic Plan: Stay Younger Longer by Stephen Cherniske.

In it he explains his lifelong scientific search for the causes of aging and his discoveries that have come as a result of turning assumptions on their heads: not "oh you are getting stiff joints because you are getting old," but what about "getting old" contributes to stiff joints, and how to prevent the getting old (and thus the stiff joints).

He explains why free radicals cause cancer and heart disease, and what to do about it (e.g. get LOTS of antioxidants). Why oxygen embodies a profound paradox, being both the source of life, and the cause of death (oxidation), and what to do about that (e.g. don't overcook your food). Why caffeine is so bad, keeping the body in a "stressed" state, and that the caffeine headache when attempting to withdraw is actually the blood rushing back into previously constricted blood vessels in the brain! (That information is enough to keep me off the bean, I hope.)

One of his chapters, as you might imagine, in on stress. And, as you might also imagine, that one was of particular interest to me, since I am one of stress's many victims. I was reading this chapter on the plane next to Steve on our way back from skiing in Salt Lake City.

Sitting on the other side of Steve (he's always so sweet to take the middle seat!) was an older woman who seemed to look about her with alertness, had a gleam in her eye, seemed interested in us, and most surprising, sat for most of the 4-hour flight doing nothing but sitting, seeing, thinking, so contentedly. She struck me as wise, and I finally overcame my reluctance to put down my book and began a short conversation with her (yes, across poor reading Steve). It crossed my mind that here was a specimen of a long full life before my very eyes, exhibit A of the book I was reading, and I half planned to ask her what her secret was.

She had been visiting a niece in sunny Phoenix hoping to kick a cold, but ended up hitting some bad weather and wasn't quite over it, though she'd had a good time. When I suggested she go back soon, she revealed that both the going and the coming involved travel upheavals and missed fights and late nights. "But it doesn't bother me," she said. "I take things in stride." She said that a couple times.

We took a break from our conversation (and leaning), and I contemplated asking her what her secret to longevity was. And then I realized that she had already told me. "I take things in stride." I don't get stressed out. Stresses happen--missed flights, clingy colds--but I don't let them get to me. I put them in their proper place. I take things in stride: I keep walking, allowing for life's craziness but not succumbing to it.

Later when I forget the details of my book and have to refer back to remember terms like glycation and alpha lipoic acid, I can bet I will still remember this Lady of Contentment and her lesson for me.

More exposure

2009-01-15T17:58:00.002-05:00

I was doing a google search on "adrenal fatigue" and it seemed to come up with more stuff than I saw a couple years ago. I think awareness is growing...as those of us who get it realize how horrible it is and that we don't want anyone else to experience it. Also, alternative medicine seems to be doing its part to educate people. For all this I am very grateful. And maybe the mainstream medical community will catch on/up someday.

One website I found to be informative, if a little extreme. Or perhaps not. I don't understand all its terms, but the first sentence, "Adrenal Fatigue is reappearing as a major cultural influence in the 21st century," whether true or not, definitely caught my attention. Anyway, this website raises some interesting questions and possible cause and effect, while also adding new information about treatment, or at least new to me.

Great news! for everyone!

2008-10-28T14:16:00.009-04:00

I can't believe how much better I'm feeling. In fact, I'm starting to forget how I felt just a few months ago, when I was lying on the floor too tired to look up recipes for the week, and when sweets sent me plunging for the rest of the day, and when I always knew when it was mid-afternoon...slump!

Here's my secret. Yes, it's a nutritional product that claims to change your life, but this one really does. It's called Ageless Xtra, put out by a company called Univera. My chiropractor handed me a CD one day in September, and said, "The guy on here really is as excited about this product as he sounds." Steve and I listened to it that night, but I was like whatever, this is too long, and thinking Steve was bored, I stopped the CD early.

However I did buy a bottle from her the next day, because I'll try anything. And I only wish I'd found this product two years ago.... How different my life would have been. Or at least my quality of life. But God's timing is perfect.

I saw results the very first day I tried it. That night, I couldn't fall asleep until after 2:30 am, because I had so much energy! Uh, that hasn't happened since our wedding, and certainly not on a regular non-psyched up day. And for the month and a half that I've been taking it, I have started using the word "normal" in conjunction with "how I'm feeling"...after two years of severely abnormal. My "miracle juice" is accelerating my healing like no other.

Basically it's a concentrate made of berry juices and lots of herbal extracts from around the world. Univera's motto is "bringing the best of nature to mankind" and studies hundreds of thousands of plants and how they affect the human body on the DNA level (at one of the top genomics labs in the country). In fact, they are so committed to this study, that they did research for five years before coming out with a single product. And they are constantly discovering new things and adding them to their products.

Anyway, they tell you exactly what's in Ageless Xtra and what it does for you. Mainly, it promotes energy, mental clarity, stress management, and joint support, and is excessively high in antioxidants. I now know that this product is helping so many people with fatigue and autoimmune issues.

But I want to help more! I told my chiropractor, Dr. Lisa, that if this product helped me as much as it has, I'd become a distributor and save the world! Well, here I am. If you have any questions about this product, I'm more than happy to chat about it. And by the way, it's a fantastic business opportunity too, so let me know if you're interested! janelrmilleratgmail.com 202.577.3191

Even wine couldn't get me down

2008-09-27T20:28:00.002-04:00

I drank a glass of red wine this afternoon at a wedding, a...ahem, full glass of wine, and I can't believe how good I feel five hours later. Oh and a big cupcake with lots of frosting. Yeah, it was at Clyde's and the food was real good. That's what you go to a wedding for anyway, right?

More on why I'm bouncing off the walls, later.

Upward trend

2008-09-24T22:55:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling so much better the last two weeks that I keep forgetting to take my pills (yeah all those bazillion pills I take throughout the day). More on why coming soon!

Looking back, and forward

2008-09-05T23:41:00.007-04:00

Almost a year ago I was sitting on a plane to Georgia, leaning against the window, praying to be well. Wondering what it would feel like to be instantly healed, to have simply the normal amount of energy to function. To not feel hollow inside, to not require determination and a hasty snack just to sit upright in my airplane seat. I mustered the faith to believe that God could heal me in that moment. And let myself dream of what that would feel like and what a difference it would make in my life.

I can't believe that was a year ago. God definitely didn't chose to heal me in an instant, at any point along this journey of ours. Instead He is healing me gradually, with Time as His chief nurse, and rest and nutrition as His remedy, and books and doctors and parents and friends as His mouthpiece. I look back in awe at the bursts of light He's given at intervals, how several of His agents combined to point in a single direction, like in discovering and treating my low thyroid a year ago. And now, in regular bio-cranial treatments from my new chiropractor, which I'm cautiously optimistic about.

After suffering from and aggressively treating my adrenal fatigue for almost two years now, I often look back with wonder. As with so many kinds of pain, while going through it you can't stop to reflect, you just have to push forward putting one foot in front of the other. A tightropist does not stop to admire the view of the surging waters beneath him, nor can he waste precious energy on analyzing his chances of making it across. But on the other side he may weep at his own fear and courage and retrace each step, feeling a sober elation that he actually made it. "I...made it!" I made it this far anyway.

I'm still very much in the throes of "good days and bad days." But the good days feel almost like normal (if I can remember what that is) and the bad days are infinitely better than those ghost-janel days I'm now struggling to remember. Those days when I didn't know if I would make the short walk from the metro to the office, and how would I ever climb those two flights of stairs? Those days when everything in me wanted to lie down, but when I finally did, I still wanted to lie down. Those days when the Pink Chair was my best friend and the companion of my non-existent social life. Those days when I would try to journal the swirling thoughts of discouragement and misunderstanding in my shrunken world, only to watch my pen fall out of an exhausted hand.

I don't want to forget how all that felt. Millions of people around the world with chronic illness feel horrible every day, and I don't want to just bound away from their bedside with newfound energy, never to return. Well, that's not to say I'm not forever changed by my illness, that I can't help but feel a deeper compassion and solidarity with those who suffer with physical pain. But I want to do more. I want to go on the offensive, not just personally, but in a way that helps others. I want those who are too exhausted to get up in the morning to know that they are not alone, and their problem is both bigger than they realize and yet very fixable. And mostly I want those type-A's who are headed for a crash to slow down and heed the warning signs of certain danger ahead. I DON'T WANT A SINGLE PERSON to go through what I've gone through. It's so unnecessary. Such an interruption in a life. And requires so very much time and money and determination to get back. (Although I hasten to say that God has certainly used this whole bad experience in my life for great great good.)

I want to raise awareness for adrenal fatigue, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I feel like I should write something, but I'm not sure which kind of publication or what angle to take. I was just lying in bed thinking about all of this, and had to get up and write it down. I suppose I could write an article and try to have it published in some kind of health magazine. That's my latest idea, I guess. If you have any others, please share them with me. I just feel that with our culture being so busy and stressful and performance-driven, and the principle of sabbath being so neglected even in the church, any encouragement to the contrary would be God's work. And I feel I have a responsibility now that I'm starting to feel better to use my energy to protect and rescue the energy of others. I trust that God will show me how.

Good news

2008-04-25T14:06:00.003-04:00

In March I took another saliva test, one year after the first, to check my progess in rebuilding my adrenal glands, etc. And I recently had the phone consultation follow-up with my doctor in Atlanta (Dr. Taylor). He said that my cortisol levels (stress hormone produced by adrenal glands) are rising! And whereas a year ago I was way below normal levels throughtout the day, I am now mostly within the threshold of "normal"!

Of course, I'm not nearly out of the woods yet, as I'm just barely within the threshold on the low end, but that's progress for sure! It means that what I'm doing (rest/nutrition/supplements/low stress) is working, and I just need to keep doing it. Yea! Praise God! Of course, this all corresponds exactly to how I'm feeling (better, but not 100 percent yet), so that's confirming as well.

Please let me know if you would like to take this test. I can tell you all about it! And point you in the right direction (toward my cutting-edge doctor).

What goes up, must come down

2007-10-06T13:11:00.002-04:00

I realized the other day that what I've been feeling for the last 10+ (!) months is the opposite of the adrenaline high. When you're running on adrenaline, you feel that rush, that energy, that sense of power and efficiency and purpose, getting things done...important things. It is a high, and it is addictive.

And as they said on Grey's Anatomy (sorry) the other night, every addiction eventually comes full circle. Every "high" has a corresponding "low." It catches up with us.

The low for me was weakness, no energy, exhaustion, powerlessness and being overwhelmed by small exertions and stresses. The low of cutting back on everything that gives me joy. The surrender of ever saving the world or doing anything "important" again.

But in the quietness, and loneliness, I have rediscovered...me. Me minus the high. And perhaps it is enough.

Promise of power

2007-10-02T10:08:00.001-04:00

Our fam was at my brother’s church in Chattanooga on Sunday morning, visiting him at school, and this funny guy preached on Isaiah 40. I should have done a Bible study long ago on weariness and strength...well, if I had the energy. : } I’ve camped on Matt 11 “Come unto Me, all who are weary...” a little bit. But these well-known verses in Isaiah 40 struck me, and soon I was a puddle in the pew. Let them encourage you this morning, any fellow Addy comrades! And btw the whole chapter is applicable and...comforting.

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, does not faint or grow weary; there is no searching of His understanding.

“He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength [causing it to multiply and making it to abound].

“Even youths shall faint and be weary, and [selected] young men shall feebly stumble and fall exhausted;

“But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.” Isaiah 40:28-31, Amplified

That’s us! Faint, weary, feeble, no might. What could be more applicable? He has PROMISED to give us power and increase our strength, and to make us fly like eagles!? I don’t know what this means, but I’m waiting and hoping and expecting for Him to show me, and work it in me.

Warning Signs

2007-09-08T13:08:00.001-04:00

Tim Keller says, "if you put your job above your health, you'll lose both." I can attest to the truth of that statement, with an ironic chuckle. I had to learn it through experience unfortunately, but maybe you won't.

I was just telling my boyfriend last night that I took health for granted my whole life, because it was always there. A given. I remember an 80-year-old lady telling me and my sister, "Take care of your health, because if you don't have your health, you don't have anything," and we laughed at her. Of course an old lady would say that.

Even now, with exhaustion, weakness, depletion as a daily, hourly companion, I am still learning to think biblically about health, my body, rest, work, limits, priorities, stewardship, etc.

One way I can redeem this season of weakness and struggle, in my mind, is by helping others avoid the traps I fell into. If I had known the warning signs, and how dire the consequences for ignoring them, surely I would not be spending all this time, money, and mental energy trying to get well, making up for the things that should have been a part of my daily life.

Here are some warning signs I wish I'd heeded years ago.

• If you feel exhausted after the work week or after a trip, stay home. You're still cool even if you don't go to the party. And your friends will get over it. It's not worth getting sick over.

• If you get sick every time you go on vacation or get some time off, or just feel exhausted when you finally "stop," then your body is trying desperately to tell you something. Listen to it.

• Don't cram every hour of every day with work and social events. Leave lots of "white space" for rest, reflection, and hearing the Still Small Voice. Sitting in traffic does not count. Sitting on the balcony might.

• Listen to YOUR body. Everybody's different. Some people can go go go and it never affects them (I guess). Others need lots of down time. But I think we can safely say that the Sabbath principle applies to everybody. Seek God for how it applies to you.

• more, as I think of them...

Little by Little

2007-06-19T15:38:00.001-04:00

I'm finding myself calling friends on the phone again! Just because...I want to. And I feel like it. And I have the energy to pick up the phone, even while doing other things like...walking!

I'm finding myself turning on the radio in the car again! Just because...I want to. And I feel like it. And I have the energy to sing along, even while doing other things like...turning the steering wheel!

An energizer bunny day at long last

2007-06-05T15:05:00.001-04:00

So on Friday I was going non-stop all day long--working, shopping, walking long distances with the spoils of my shopping spree, walking the dog I was sitting, more erranding, and picnic/bbq-ing--and needed only a 2 minute sprawl on the bed to get me through. This is monumental!

It was a poignant moment walking into the Gap outlet that day, grabbing 15 items off the racks, trying them on. Last time I was in there was February and I remember laboring up the stairs to the second floor, only to walk right back out again. I didn't have the energy to even look at a single piece of clothing and decide what I thought about it, let alone lug it into the dressing room and try it on. I never realized how much energy it takes just to shop. Oh the things I took for granted.

So this is why when Jesus healed people, they went jumping and leaping and praising God.

The Novelty of Normal

2007-05-23T21:03:00.000-04:00

I am feeling SO much better this week. I feel better exponentially week by week. It's the most miraculous process: how the body heals itself, with a little help.

I feel like a whole person again. Full and not empty. Able to walk down the metro platform in the morning, with everything I need inside to take the next step and not even think about it. Remembering how depleted I felt just a few weeks ago and wondering how I got through.

I'd forgotten what it felt like to feel normal.

I can actually be nice to people without effort.

I don't have to sit down and take a breather after the monumental stress of un-jamming the copier.

I don't have to go upstairs and lie down on the floor and practice relaxation techniques after getting the runaround with the US Park Service on the phone, just trying to reserve camp sites for the church peeps.

I can ride the metro without knocking people over for a seat. Or having to play mind games to not get murderously mad at the driver for trying to throw us to the floor.

I can make it between meals here and there without having to stuff my face with whatever nuts or healthy crackers I can find in my desk.

And I don't think about me so much. Maybe that's the best part. To be freed from self-consumption and incessant introspection. I do enough of that without Addy's help.

Simple Pleasures

2007-05-18T12:48:00.001-04:00

I'd gotten so caught up in bigger and better highs, or just being busy, that I forgot how pleasurable is the everyday. Addy brought me back.

Have you ever felt that certain elation of taking good care of and nurturing yourself, like when you're washing your face or getting out of the shower or eating sprouts?

Have you ever been walking along the sidewalk back to your apartment building, hating the thought of going inside on such a fine April evening, and been surprised by a rose bush in full bloom...at the corner gas station? And of course you had to take the biggest one in your hand and hold it up to your nose, and try to capture the euphoria of a single whiff and make it last longer than a second, long enough to keep you happy for the next half hour.

Have you ever peeled a mango, while sitting in a Big Pink Chair with the balcony door open in the springtime, and felt yourself ascend the levels of heaven with each crude bright-orangey-yellow slice you stuck in your mouth? Only to run into the kitchen seconds later when too much juice ran down your arm and threatened to stain The Pink Chair.

Have you ever walked the same four blocks from the Metro down 7th Street that you walk every day, and caught sight of the intersection of Indiana and 7th--the blend of people and cars and concrete and marble and green leaves and Pennsylvania Avenue and Starbucks cups and clear morning air and the Mall in the distance--and just thanked God to be alive and work where you work and live where you live?

Have you ever (and this is my biggest thrill these days) sat at your favorite restaurant (Teaism!) for the tenth day in a row (minus the weekend), surrounded by lunchtime buzz, and savored another spoonful of salmon ochazuke with a brave morsel of wasabe, chewing and leaning back against the wall, fleeing for your life with Darby Shaw or laughing out loud (unashamedly, for you are free!) at Jake Brigance's sarcastic quips, as you turn the page of your fifth John Grisham novel in three months?

Have you ever sat on the balcony of your apartment and just sat there? No book. No magazine. No laptop. Just you and the lounge chair and the silver railing and the green leafy great beyond.

Have you ever talked to the UPS man and had it be a highlight of your day? You had a real conversation with him, and it mattered, and you can remember what you talked about because your mind isn't cluttered with a thousand other conversations of the day.

Have you ever gotten a pedicure and felt like a queen? (Never fails!)

Have you ever let someone off the Metro before you or said good morning to the homeless man with the Southern accent who calls you darlin or smiled at the busboy, and felt the joy of treating people like people and not objects (for once)?

Have you ever heard the whisper of God when you're walking slowly down the street and felt that you wouldn't have if you were running?

Maybe life is more about depth than we think. Going deeper, feeling more pleasure with the things we already have rather than always looking for something new. Maybe that's what contentment means. Maybe that's the abundant life...the ability to see and enjoy to the fullest God's gifts all around us.

Cut 'er off at the Pass

2007-05-16T22:15:00.002-04:00

If you "or someone you know is suffering from these symptoms...." Am I starting to sound like a public service announcement? Well, so be it.

I wish I'd caught Addy earlier in her treacherous downward spiral. But thank God I caught her when I did. For some of my friends it took years to recover their health, or they are still working on it. After not catching their adrenal fatigue until they couldn't get out of bed or open their eyelids or were prescribed bed rest for six months.

If you have several of the symptoms or want to learn more, I recommend reading the excellent books out there on the subject. They helped me more than anything:

Ad renal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome by Dr. James L. Wilson is hands down the best resource on the subject that I have found. He seems to be the foremost doctor on adrenal fatigue and even formulated the herbal supplement my doctor prescribed. The book goes into detail on symptoms, how the body works, and exactly how to recover (what lifestyle changes to make, what to eat/drink and what not to, how much rest to get and when, etc.). His website is www.adrenalfatigue.org.

The Hidden Link Between Adrenaline and Stress by Dr. Archibald Hart is written from a Christian perspective and is very helpful in tracing contributing factors, learning to slow down, and seeing type A personality and our fast-paced culture from a new perspective.

Tired of Being Tired by Jesse Hanley gives lots of testimonials of people who "hit the wall" (as do the other books) and 10 lifestyle changes to get your energy back and live a healthy life. She goes into detail about nutrition. Have you found it helpful, Case? Hehe, shoutout.

Are Your Hormones Making You Sick? by Dr. Eldred Taylor (my doctor!) goes into great detail about how all the hormones of the body work and the delicate balance the body must maintain or else weird symptoms begin to emerge. He goes into great detail about estrogen and progesterone balance, as well as cortisol and thyroid. It's a good resource for women I think. (And now I feel embarassed for talking about estrogen...)

So #1, read these books, or at least the first one. If you feel as crappy as I did, you will devour whatever information you can find on the subject.

#2, get as much sleep and rest as you possibly can. 10-12 hours per night, no joke. Go to bed before 10 PM (before you get your second wind) and sleep as late as you can (7-9:00 AM offers the most restorative sleep for Addy sufferers...that's why I'm always late for work, Glenn...sorry).

#3, cut back on everything you possibly can: work, social life, activities, even exercise (don't push yourself). Be sensitive to your body and don't extend yourself beyond your limits if at all possible. If a panhandler is asking you for money and you feel stressed and suffocated, walk away. If you're at a crowded party and you can't hear yourself talk and nobody else can and it's driving you crazy, leave. If you don't feel like going out, stay home and watch a movie. This will be the hardest thing you've ever done, because the very things you love--being active and driven and conscientious and social--have put you in this state of fatigue. Your friends may not understand (mine have been great), and you may not be able to explain it to them. But you have to do this to get better, to be your true self again someday.

#4, cut out all sweets, caffeine, and alcohol from your diet. And avoid as much refined sugar, white flour, and processed food as you can. This is not as hard as you think if you feel like you have the flu all the time. These things are only dragging your body down and will greatly prolong the recovery process. Plus, if you don't have a life anymore, like me, it's not so hard to avoid them. And you can have fun with creative alternatives like Postum (coffee drink with no caffeine), green tea, treating yourself at your fav healthy restaurant every day for lunch even though it's expensive (that would be Teaism! and salmon ochazuke!), popcorn from your roomie's nifty hot air popper, brightly colored fruits (which aid in recovery) when you crave sweets, and dessert alternatives like yummy homemade yogurt parfaits. It's not so bad, nor is it forever. And if you fudge, you pay (as I did for 2.5 days last weekend).

#5, call my doctor in Atlanta and make a phone appointment. He's an alternative doctor, so insurance probably won't cover it. He's $250/hour on the phone, but if you've done your homework, you can just say these are my symptoms, I think I have adrenal fatigue, send me the saliva test...like I did, and save yourself some money. The saliva test (spit test my friends called it) is another $200 but totally worth the clear direction and peace of mind at nailing down a diagnosis. Sounds gross, and it is. You spit into one of four vials every 6 hours during the course of one full day (yes, vile). It's hard to work up that much spit. But...it could be a LOT worse. Then you stick the box in the mail, that simple. Adrenal fatigue does not show up on blood tests except in the most extreme cases (where your adrenal glands have completely shut down). A saliva test is the most effective way to measure cortisol, and taking it several times during the course of a typical day is also helpful in seeing trends. My cortisol level was way below the normal range in the morning and early afternoon, then rose in late afternoon and evening into the normal range. That is exactly on point with adrenal fatigue, and corresponded to how I felt during the day (unable to get out of bed in the morning, crash in mid-morning, crash in mid-afternoon, and then feeling better around 5:00...at the end of the work day, how convenient).

So Dr. Taylor's number is 678.443.4000, and he and his staff are super friendly and helpful. Of course they are, they're in Atlanta.

Also, please don't hesitate to contact me with questions or fears or whatever. janelDOTreidATgmailDOTcom

Energy-suckers

2007-05-13T15:12:00.002-04:00

Through my research and intuition, I've been able to pinpoint many of the contributing factors leading to Addy's takeover. Acute or prolonged stress is what brings it on, and stress is a part of life. But some stress can be avoided, and other stress we pile on ourselves for various reasons. I don't want to fall into the trap of self-condemnation. But it's been helpful to recognize some of my tendencies and issues that waste my energy:

Perfectionism: I can't rest until everything is checked off my to-do list; I have to hold it all together; being caught up in image; not being able to let go

Performance: my worth is based on what I do or produce for other people or organizations

Playing God: feeling responsible for people or events beyond what God meant for me to bear; being the safety net every time, the savior

People-pleasing: constantly trying to figure out what other people want from me and being that; inability to say no

Self-sufficiency: not accepting help when I need it, doing everything myself

Guilt: I am never doing enough

"Hurry sickness": rushing around because I've over-packed my day (since I'm never doing enough); always being late or in a hurry; feeling like the world will collapse if I don't get there, now

Not recognizing/embracing my limitations as a gift from God: wanting to do everything, and actually thinking I can; living at a high-intensity level non-stop; thinking that God wants me to sacrifice my body/health to get stuff done for Him

Not seeing health as a priority/not listening to my body (when it wanted a rest)

Working hard/playing hard without adequate down time and recovery afterward; not ever truly resting, but always being "on"

Trying to be something I'm not; working in the flesh; not believing the Gospel...that I am already justified, that "it is finished"

Whoa, I'm exhausted just reading over those. All of these heart issues are a constant drain on our energy. I have Addy to thank for getting my attention about these life-suckers. I repent, Lord. Do Your life-giving work in me.

Beneath a Sickly Surface

2007-04-27T12:09:00.001-04:00

[this was written on March 21 and posted on my other blog, www.snatchlings.blogspot.com]

I have a rare opportunity. To be a voice for the sick. Because suddenly I am one, and I want someone to tell my friends for me...

That it has nothing to do with them when I'm irritable and impatient. It's the sickness talking. Or, all my energy is required just to sit up or walk or keep pecking away at my computer til 5:00 and I can crash on my couch, having made it through another day, and I don't have anything left for being nice. Or, I'm actually irritable and impatient with the monster inside that's sucking the life out of me, but somehow it gets taken out on those around me. Or, my world has shrunk so small to how I'm feeling right now and how to take care of myself, that I can't help but be petty.

That I really do feel bad most of the time. When you have the flu, you can't remember what it feels like to have the strength and joy to run around and play outside. When you get better, you can't remember how you felt when you were sick. To understand me, consider that I have the flu all the time, and try to remember what it felt like. You could barely walk from your bed to the bathroom, and all you wanted was to get better (and your mommy).

That sometimes I want someone to ask how I'm feeling, and sometimes I want to be left alone. And I'm sorry if you tried doing one when I wanted the other.

That I hate it that I can't be myself. I'm just sick enough to have lost my vivacity, but not enough not to be painfully aware of its loss. I know you miss me, and I miss me too, which makes it even harder. It's like an out of body experience when I see a person on the sidelines, for example, and *I* know that I would reach out to that person and include him in the conversation but I simply don't have the strength to do it. It's a constant letting go. A constant prioritizing, where stretching my strength too far now will come back to haunt me later (and everyone else). A constant self-preservation. Constant sacrifice. Constant little deaths. How do I keep from becoming self-consumed?

That "showing up" is a victory for me, and sometimes it's all I can offer. The door to the office, the church, the friends' house is the finish line. On a tough day, anything extra is icing.

That I never know what to say to "how are you?" Do they really want to know how I feel right now? Do I really want to explain it? Will it just be a downer and make me feel worse for being negative? It'll probably be awkward in the end, and force me to put on a happy face to rescue the conversation anyway, so maybe it's easier for everyone if I just keep the happy face on from the start. After all, I am happy, I'm just not "fine."

That despair is always lurking. Around every failure of my body or mind. I'm getting used to depending on other people, something I've never been good at. But only to a point. I've always had little patience with my own limitations, which is what landed me with adrenal fatigue* in the first place. Whereas normal was running at 125 percent, the new normal is 75 percent on a very good day. I've always expected perfection of myself, with a few mistakes allowed here and there, the ones that I can rationalize. Now the quota of mistakes has been bumped much higher as I swallow reality, but it's still a quota and is closely tied to a humble heart which often isn't there. One more mistake, let alone one that affects hundreds of people (our church), and I'm a failure with no hope for recovery. I've let myself fall into that hole a few times, and believe me, it is bottomless. But thankfully, so is grace. And the instant that I fi-na-lly receive a free gift--lunch for my birthday, a bowl of popcorn from my roommate, a parking space from God--I melt. And I'm wisked back up into the sunlight with my feet on solid ground.

That I wish they would take care of themselves and not end up like me.

That I may look fine and healthy on the outside, but inside I feel hollow. Consider me the chocolate Easter bunny. I'm just that weak. There's nothing inside of me to draw from. Whatever makes human's "go" is not getting to the right places in my body. My batteries need to be changed. I'm pushing the gas pedal but there's nothing in the tank, regardless of what the meter says.

--------

If none of this is resonating and you think I'm blowing everything out of proportion, just know that these are the tormentings of the sick. This is what is going on just below the surface, but there aren't words, there isn't time, there isn't energy. Somehow simply writing this and sending it into cyberspace makes me feel so much better. This is the real burden I carry, the festering germies.

If this is discouraging, I'm sorry. I'll write the benefits of illness in the next blog, don't worry. It just really helps me to get this off my chest, and I trust I speak for other fellow sickies in turmoil.

The Signs of Addy's Arrival

2007-04-26T21:23:00.001-04:00

These are the symptoms of adrenal fatigue:

• Extreme and continual tiredness, not relieved by sleep
• Weakness, a feeling of depletion
• Inability to get out of bed in the morning
• Wanting to lie down all the time, which helps, but not really
• Low blood sugar
• Light-headedness, feeling faint
• Low immunity, achiness, feeling slightly sick all the time, sore throat
• Being overwhelmed by small tasks or the thought of walking from here to there (because you don't have the strength to do it)
• Increased effort needed to do everyday tasks; decreased ability to handle stress (even small stresses like the copier not working)
• Irritability, impatience, decreased tolerance
• Discouragement, depression
• Increased PMS
• Decreased productivity and motivation
• Memory loss, fuzzy thoughts, confusion
• Losing your balance while standing

There are some others I didn't experience, like craving salt, decreased sex drive, and increased time to recover from illness or injury.

Looking back, I started to realize something was wrong around the beginning of 2006, but I wouldn't admit it even to myself. I was supposed to be strong and keep the whole world running. By spring however I took the gargantuan step of admitting my tiredness in staff meeting and asked for prayer. I found a general practitioner in May and paid her a visit, and she suggested more snacks to conquer fatigue.

It was getting harder and harder to get out of bed as the year progressed. In July I had a party at my apartment, and Holly and I cleaned all day and entertained that night. For some reason I didn't enjoy myself as much as usual and realized it was because I was so tired. Two days later I had to take a sick day and "recover" from the party. This was odd.

I took August slow. But September hit the ground running jobwise, and as we moved into our office in October, I felt myself switch over to running on adrenaline exclusively. Somehow I got an A in my Spanish class, though I was "mucho muy cansada" to every "como estas?" I was happily dating and that kept me going, but when it ended, so did my high. In December I went to the doctor again (and all my blood tests were normal), started talking to friends and asking for help, and sitting on my couch every weekend night unless I forced myself to go out.

The New Year brought a new low of energy and motivation at work, and a new desperation to find answers and a cure. Gosh, it's a blur now. How did I get through that time? I finally told my boss I needed help, and he graciously let me take my sick leave in the form of two weeks part-time. That was a significant season, but by no means a cure.

In February I started taking Reliv, my "magic potion," which is a nutritional supplement shake, and felt better from day one. Oh how I love that stuff! and highly recommend it to everyone well or sick. It's like gold dust to me. You can read more at www.reliv.com or email me for the address of my distributor friend Joy.

In March my Mom found an alternative doctor in Atlanta who'd written a book called "Are Your Hormones Making You Sick?" which explained the delicate balance in our bodies and how one imbalance affects everything else. I got a phone appointment with him, and voila, all my symptoms pointed to adrenal fatigue, as I'd suspected, through reading books and talking to friends. I took a saliva test (spitting into four vials at four different times during the day...yes, vile, but not as bad as it could have been), the best test for hormone levels and adrenal function. My corisol levels (the stress hormone produced by the adrenal glands) were way low for the morning and the afternoon, and the doctor congratulated me for correctly diagnosing myself while I wimpered over my poor body and little depleted adrenals.

Thank God for alternative doctors, and a free country! He sent me some all-natural supplements that would help my body repair itself, "adrenal rebuilder" and a thyroid booster, and said I'd feel much better in a few weeks, and all better in six months (though it's taken some of my friends much longer to recover). After four weeks, I think the "much better" is starting to happen, although last week I was cryingly telling my boss I didn't know if I could recover in DC and was desperate enough to move home to Atlanta if that's what it took. Thankfully I felt much better the next day (maybe God wanted me to step off the cliff of faith) and then spring arrived in DC...the cure for all ills!

Right now I'm taking life one day at a time, rejoicing in the good days, enduring the bad, submitting to Addy's dominance of my life (and God's dominance over all things), and learning...oh...learning so, so much. So much that begs to be written. Thanks for reading. Thanks for being my outlet.

Huffing and Puffing

2007-04-26T19:16:00.001-04:00

Around Christmastime last year, our community group did our monthly service project at a women's shelter in DC. Some of us bring food items to the shelter, and others prepare and serve it. All I had to do was bring the sour cream and cheese for fajitas.

I walked from my office in Penn Quarter to the shelter at 14th and N, about a 25 minute walk. I love to walk in DC. It's one of my favorite things to do, and normally I'll walk for blocks and blocks, hours and hours, passing metro stops as I go, to walk instead.

But not lately. By the time I got there, I was winded and starting to feel light-headed. With determination I climbed the four flights of stairs and proceeded to the kitchen. That's when the low blood sugar monster got me and I felt like I was about to pass out. I chugged some diet coke for a quick fix, and realized we didn't have enough drinks.

Every step to the 7/11 three blocks away was a chore, and I finally arrived, breathless. I bought three 2-liters and also some nuts for the energy to walk back. The clerk was taking his sweet time, and I was about to faint. I tried to be courteous even though I could feel the irritability building in my chest and my patience was about to snap. How could I be rude when I was buying drinks for battered women? But didn't this guy realize I was at death's door myself?

I tore into the package of cashews and chomped away. The three-block trip back to the shelter loomed overwhelmingly, but I somehow made it, lugging my two-liters that got more cumbersome with every step. And up the stairs. Four flights of stairs.

Done. I'm outa here. I've got to get home and lie on my couch. I've GOT to lie down, and get something to eat.

I tried to be nice to my friends as I stumbled out the door. But I was near tears and unable to express how I felt. What was wrong with me? Why could I not take a walk without feeling drained? Why by Thursday could I not wait for the weekend...to sleep for two days? Why had I been unable to make it to most of my Christmas parties? Why did I feel so depleted all the time, like the Energizer bunny's competition next to everybody else, next to my old self?

------

My doctor had little guidance. Eat more snacks throughout the day, eat healthier food, and exercise more. If that didn't help, then I could try a sleep study. Maybe I wasn't getting quality sleep and it was affecting everything else. But intuitively I knew that wasn't my problem, and I sure as hell didn't want to be hooked up to machines and have someone sit in a chair and watch me sleep all night long! But I would do whatever it took to get well...I was desperate. So I scheduled the sleep study.

Meanwhile, I remembered that one of my friends, Ragan, who had lived in DC and worked for a Christian minstry had experienced intense fatigue and had taken a two-month sabbatical. I had actually talked to her in January 2006 about this issue and she'd recommended the book "The Hidden Link Between Adrenaline and Stress," which I'd started at the time, but set aside after a few chapters because I thought I'd gotten the message. Oh, how I wish I'd kept reading.

I called her again, and asked how she was doing two years later. She's living in Hawaii and doing hard cardio for an hour a day, and has all the energy she needs and then some. Great, that helps. I couldn't drop everything and move to paradise (though I'm sure that would cure me), so I stepped up my running that weekend to an hour run on Saturday and a half hour on Sunday, but that night I had to excuse myself from a conversation at church and go stretch myself across some chairs in a back room. Not exactly the result I was hoping for.

When talking with Ragan though (thanks for your help, Rag!) I had mentioned the Adrenaline and Stress book and said, "So I should probably finish it, huh?" At her encouragement I picked it back up again, and took a huge step forward toward figuring out my prob.

------

Our bodies are truly amazing. They are equipped to respond to stress, danger, and the ups and downs of life in a fallen world. When we have a deadline at work or step on a snake in the woods, adrenaline kicks in automatically to provide the stamina, reflexes, and quick-thinking we need to get the job done or the heck outa there.

However, if you have a deadline or step on snakes every day, eventually the adrenaline is going to run out. We aren't machines, and there's no endless supply of anything in the universe besides God's mercy and toilet paper. I hope. So if I'm starting a church, trying to keep everyone happy, trying to be perfect, get it all done, going from brunch to a baby shower to a shopping spree to two parties, keeping up with my crushes and the dating game, placing unreal expectations on myself, and relying on coffee to get me through the day...I can't do it forever.

I'm one of those people. Call me an over-achiever, but I love to be busy, live life to the fullest, cram as much into a day as I can because time is precious and life is short. I love to hang out with my friends, go from one activity to the next, and get that rush of productivity and achievement at work. I want to experience it all, have adventures, take risks, and surmount my limitations. Including my humanness.